Close Encounters of the Third Kind

December 7, 2007

It all started last night.

For dinner I made breaded chicken nuggets with soy sauce and ramen noodles because I have BBQ sauce left over from Woody, my predecessor. So I put on season 3 of Entourage (which I received in my last care package from the fam) and I ate like a madman. After about 9 nuggets, out of maybe 20, one was too big so I had to cut it in half. I looked a little closer and I quickly became aware of the situation. I saw pink. I sat there for a moment and thought to myself...

- Flash Forward 12 hours-

Right after morning meeting Kenji, the main English teacher, and a good one at that, approaches me. I can tell he's kind of nervous because for the last week we have been preparing for an open class, where many teachers and other Takayama JETs will come observe our entire class. The open class is tomorrow but we are doing a "dress rehearsal" in another class with the same lesson plan.

I feel okay because I've had breakfast ( a bowl of rice) and I've had my coffee. My goal for the day is to stay on point so Kenji doesn't have to worry about me, he only has to make sure his role is up to par. We get our materials and go up to the room early to set up. I look over the lesson plan and know what I have to do. I feel good.

- Flash Back 3 months & 3 weeks ago-

I'm sitting in a hotel in Gifu city for the first Jet Orientation since we all arrived in Tokyo. The orientation is standard procedure: go over teaching styles, strategies and expectations all told by returning JETs who have experienced what we soon will. Accounts and stories from past experiences fill the 100 + room with laughter and small talk. The comfortable feeling of being accepted and essentially initiated provides a sensation, palpable throughout the room. We enjoy our environment because we are a group of adults who are part of something important enough to be denied from. 

Nancy, a JET in my region, who I still don't know yet, gets up to tell a story as they try to touch on all of the "what to expect in Japan" points. She begins by saying, "So Japanese toilets are different in two ways: Not only do you face the opposite direction when you're doing your business, but instead of sitting on a seat, you squat and try to aim. If you're a guy like my friend, who had an accident once (based on the whole facing the opposite direction) you might want to avoid this problem altogether by just taking off your pants completely."

- Flash Forward 3 months, 3 weeks & 10 minutes later -

The lesson is going well and I'm feeling like I'm doing my job when out of no where a very scary thing happens in my nervous system. The best name for this sensation that I've ever heard is, I got a case of the Bubble Guts. It usually starts in your upper stomach and works quickly and efficiently downward, through the intestines and stops abruptly at the sphincter. This whole journey takes between 3 and 4 seconds. I'm pretty sure Jeff Daniels portrayed this feeling perfectly in Dumb and Dumber, so if you have seen this (which everyone has...hopefully) than you have a good idea of what I'm talking about. Usually its not a problem if I slip out of the class to go to the bathroom, but we are in a dress rehearsal and I have a co-star role in this Lesson/Play. Therefore, the show must go on.

- Flash Forward 20 minutes -

So far I have maintained a calm demeanor and I've kept myself together in the face of this terrible adversity and I've been able to keep everything under control. However, I've recently learned, in the last hour, that one of the worst ways to turn the Bubble Guts against you, is to change your body temperature. Thus, a giant boiling heater in the front of the classroom doesn't bode well for Bubble Guts prevention. In fact, it sucks altogether.

-Flash Forward 10 minutes -

Things are getting pretty serious now. My palms are sweating, I've stopped talking in class and this terrible affliction, paired with the coffee I drank this morning is making me shaky. It's around this time that I'm really, legitimately worried that a humiliating, catastrophic event could occur in this classroom, on this day. I don't want to think of the gory details but at the same time I can't stop.

-Flash Forward 10 minutes - 

When you're moments away from diarrheaing all over yourself, it's important to pay attention to how you walk down stairs. It's not the usual jovial gallop that you've taken for granted so many times before. No. It's more delicate and swift. A gingerly paced effort where each step could set off a land mine, which consequently could end your reputation. While you were once referred to as the kind foreigner, you would now be called, "The Mess Maker," or "The Party Pooper". Such nicknames swirl around my head...much like the swirling I was experiencing in my stomach.

So I finally get to the bathroom and I change shoes, of course, and find that no-one is in there, which I figure is a good thing for everyone. As I reach the stall, I remember Nancy's story and figure I'd rather be a little awkward by myself than have poopy pants. So I take them completely off, squat, and try to aim. I guess I will spare you the details even though I prefer not to. Needless to say, I made it in time. I have to add though, it's quite the humbling experience when you're standing half naked, scared to death you won't get your pants off in time....How many times have you said that at a party?

Yeah, me too, only twice.

- Flash Back 13 hours -

So I put on season 3 of Entourage (which I received in my last care package from the fam) and I ate like a madman. After about 9 nuggets, out of maybe 20, one was too big so I had to cut it in half. I looked a little closer and I quickly became aware of the situation. I saw pink. I sat there for a moment and thought to myself, "I eat raw fish nearly every day, what's the worst that could happen? Damn these are good!"