Horray for Japanese Toilets!!!

I have a confession to make.  I just spent 10 minutes in the bathroom... and didn't even use the bathroom.  What's more is this:  I spent 10 minutes on the toilet and didn't even use the toilet.  Thank you Japanese person who invented the bidet!  

Now hold on, don't get carried away.  Let me explain the situation before you start to judge.  On the less-often occasion that I decided to study Japanese, the coffee shop, Flore, which I usually hit up on the late night, was closed (being that it's Wednesday here, which for some reason means EVERYTHING is closed).  Needless to say, I chose to venture out to the library, an unfamiliar spot recommended by my study partner.  "I haven't been there since I pretended to study in college," I say, as we walk in.  It's a beautiful building, built in the past five years, equipped with three floors of quiet, study-friendly goodness.  We make our way to the second floor and get down to business.  I get my ipod out, throw on some Dvorak jams and get to it.  

After about 1/2 an hour, it's getting toasty in the building and my nose starts doing this funny thing where it acts like it has a cold and begins running for no good reason.  I'm not sure why it does this because I know I'm not sick.  My mom might tease, "maybe it's because your nose takes up so much mass, that the snot feels inadequate and is just trying to be heard."  I chuckle to myself and since I don't have any tissues, I decide I need a break anyway.  

I see the "male icon" for the bathroom and walk in.  I'd forgotten I was in Japan for a slight moment until I'm immediately reminded when the automatic lights turned on upon my arrival.  They suddenly illuminate the sweet, smelling toilet room as if a beautifully, soothing voice were to say, "welcome Mr. Bobrick to the downstairs library bathroom.  Make yourself at home and please, if you have time, enjoy our multi-faceted seats as they're quite comfortable."  I look around for a tissue, but I don't see one.  I decide to get some tissue paper from inside the stall instead and as soon as I open the door, the toilet opened it's heart to me.... Without touching anything, the seat magically rose as if to greet my awe-inspiring presence.  If I would have known this was going to happen, I would have uttered some commands like, "the great Kyle is here, now rise to show your loyalty.... Ah yes, you are very loyal."

After I blew my nose, I couldn't find a trash can, plus the seat had risen just for me, so I threw it in there.  Then, the deciphering moment came when I was forced to make a choice: either go back to my mundane Japanese studies, or explore the oh-so-welcoming seat, knowing that I would not actually be using it.  Of course we both know what I did.  I looked at all the crazy buttons on the wall, turned to close the door behind me and sat down.  

Of all the things I could do, can you guess what I did first??  If you live here, you have a better chance and getting this question right... Of course I turned on the seat warmer!  Wouldn't you?  After all, if I'm going to be here a while, I might as well get cosy!  Then, after scanning the buttons for kanji characters I knew, I decide to go with the bidet squirt.  Now some of you might question my decision to go with the bidet this early in the game, however, I would disagree.  I knew it was there from previous experiences so I felt comfortable picking it.  It was nice.

Then, after grazing over many other kanji characters I didn't know, I ran across one that caught my attention.  FIRE!  What???  Why do they have fire on here?  What would be the purpose of fire in a toilet??  Of all the things in this world to have near that region of your body, I'm pretty sure fire is number one on most people's lists to NOT have nearby.  Then, I realized this kanji meant water.  Oh, nice.  I'm down with some water.  Although the bidet is water too, this was more of a spray, and plus, you could adjust the temperature!  So that was nice too.  

Then, finally, I decide to simmer down get back to my studies.  As I rise up, I realize out of all these buttons I don't know where "flush" is.  I search around the seat, on the wall, and finally, a giant sign posted with a big red arrow pointing down to it, leads me to believe that this is the one.  I press the button and with a swift, "swoosh" our time came to an end.  I lower the seat and commend it's loyalty once again.  I feel like saying thank you but after realizing that words had no true understanding of the experience, I say goodbye in silence.  However, the memory will live on forever and now my bum feels nice.